It is often an emotional rollercoaster experience when you go through a divorce and one of the things that you will probably worry about the most is how the separation will impact on your relationship with your children.
The fundamental point to remember is that, despite the turmoil, and even if there is acrimony with your ex-wife, what doesn’t ever change is that you are always going to be the father to your children.
Once you have gone through divorce proceedings and want to try and move on with the next stage of your life, the one thing that you won’t want to change is your parental bond.
Here are some pointers on how to keep that connection strong regardless of what you have all been through.
Never give up
If there has been a bit of mudslinging during the divorce process that can leave a bit of a mental scar with some children, especially when they are an age where they have a greater level of emotional understanding.
Even if they move away from the area and go cold for a few months or so while things settle down, keep up the calls and the messages and focus on keeping your relationship strong.
Time with them is a precious commodity
If your ex-partner has been given custody of the kids you will want to make the most of your limited time with them.
Always aim to plan what you are going to do with your time together and give them all of your attention and love when this window of opportunity to bond comes around.
Make them feel at home
If you have moved out of the family home and live under a new roof there will always be a bit of awkwardness when the children come to visit.
Do what you can to make them feel like your home is their home and get their input on decorating, especially if you have a bedroom set aside for them to use when they come to stay.
A new chapter
One way of accentuating the fact that you are both making a fresh start would be to set up a new social media profile or start a fresh photo album so that you can start to create new memories under a different timeline.
A shared hobby or interest
If your child is into a particular sports activity or likes spending time doing a certain hobby consider whether you might be able to share that interest with them.
If it is something you also like doing, like cycling, for instance, suggest you both share some time together so that you can enjoy some quality time doing something that you both feel connected to.
It is important to them that you are around
When you have been through a relationship breakdown and there are children involved it can have a big impact on their emotional wellbeing.
Some children cope better with a divorce scenario than others but even if you think that your son or daughter is coping well under the circumstances there could be a level of internal turmoil that they are trying to contend with.
Children often tend to cope better with stress and emotional challenges when both of their parents are very much a part of their lives. Do your best to be around for them so that they cope better with a difficult situation that could otherwise put them under stress.
Keep it clean and respectful
If your marriage partnership has broken down amidst some hefty arguments and vociferous exchanges there can be the temptation to throw some low blows with some disrespectful comments about your ex-partner.
Making derogatory remarks about the other parent is never acceptable, whatever the circumstances, and it could work against you if the children don’t like to hear what you saying.
Keep your thoughts and comments to yourself and be mindful that your children will love the person you are disrespecting, which is why it pays to remain tight-lipped.
Work with your ex if you can
There will have been a time when you worked together as a couple and shared certain decisions and the aim should be to maintain that consistency even though you are no longer an item to each other.
You are both still parents and that must be the number one priority when it comes to organizing and sharing the parental duties.
The main thing to remember is the need to co-parent if you can and keep in contact when you want to discuss an issue, without arguing.
On their doorstep
It can make a lot of difference to your relationship with the children if you can try an find a new place to live that makes it easy to visit.
Being so close can also help you develop and maintain that bond
When a step-parent comes along
There will normally come a time when you are ready to start a new relationship and that means there will be a moment when it’s time to do some introductions, which can sometimes be traumatic for the kids.
It is wise to try and remain calm when faced with a certain degree of animosity about the idea of someone new coming into your life.
It is perfectly understandable that you want to introduce your partner to your children when the times is right, but it pays to handle the introduction with a fair degree of sensitivity.
Bear in mind that the introduction of someone new can be quite a traumatic experience for your children and they will normally put up some resistance if you don’t get the timing right.
Focus all of your efforts on gaining acceptance from your kids about having someone new in your life.
It is almost guaranteed that your child will suffer a range of emotions, depending on their age and level of understanding of relationship breakdowns.
Try to keep your relationship with your children as normal as possible, despite the fact that all of your family will have been through something as difficult as divorce.
Your aim is building bridges rather than burning them and if you take a proactive and positive approach to getting a divorce with your child’s interests at heart, it should help you maintain that precious connection with your child.
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