How to be Alone

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I’ve never been alone…until now. I married very young at 19 and had my first child at 20. Straight from my mom I went with my husband. I guess you could say I didn’t have a normal young adult life. I find myself in my late 30’s now and alone. I know it’s of my own choosing but did I really have a choice when I can’t accept what’s happened? Now, I have to learn how to be alone.

I sit here blogging about how I feel at 3am because I don’t have anyone to talk to. I¬†can’t help but feel just how tough it’s been lately. Which is so odd because the few times I out people tell me I look good. Odd isn’t it how I look outside¬†doesn’t reflect what I feel inside. I guess that’s better than the alternative.

So how do you learn how to be alone? It seems like it’s taking it a day at a time. I’ve kept myself busy but I find myself not sleeping too well. Hence, the late night blogging. I feel an immense sadness at the prospect of being alone. I see my teens and realize in just a few years they’ll be having their own lives. Jael has started school and he’s going to need me less and less as time goes by. After a 17 year marriage the prospect of being on my own is both exciting and frightening.

Lately, I’ve been spending time with friends and staying out late which I never did before. There’s a certain freedom to it but how long will this feeling last? Eventually will I look for someone to be with and talk to? Sorry for the downer. Just another share here. I seem strong to the people that know me and I guess maybe it’s because I’m not showing much emotion. I do feel sad though. I just don’t let it take over me that I lose myself and my focus on what matters, my kids. So another night goes by. To those who are committed further that commitment by choosing to be with the person you’re with. Be present, responsible and always do things for the people you love.

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