How to be Alone

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I’ve never been alone…until now. I married very young at 19 and had my first child at 20. Straight from my mom I went with my husband. I guess you could say I didn’t have a normal young adult life. I find myself in my late 30’s now and alone. I know it’s of my own choosing but did I really have a choice when I can’t accept what’s happened? Now, I have to learn how to be alone.

I sit here blogging about how I feel at 3am because I don’t have anyone to talk to. I can’t help but feel just how tough it’s been lately. Which is so odd because the few times I out people tell me I look good. Odd isn’t it how I look outside doesn’t reflect what I feel inside. I guess that’s better than the alternative.

So how do you learn how to be alone? It seems like it’s taking it a day at a time. I’ve kept myself busy but I find myself not sleeping too well. Hence, the late night blogging. I feel an immense sadness at the prospect of being alone. I see my teens and realize in just a few years they’ll be having their own lives. Jael has started school and he’s going to need me less and less as time goes by. After a 17 year marriage the prospect of being on my own is both exciting and frightening.

Lately, I’ve been spending time with friends and staying out late which I never did before. There’s a certain freedom to it but how long will this feeling last? Eventually will I look for someone to be with and talk to? Sorry for the downer. Just another share here. I seem strong to the people that know me and I guess maybe it’s because I’m not showing much emotion. I do feel sad though. I just don’t let it take over me that I lose myself and my focus on what matters, my kids. So another night goes by. To those who are committed further that commitment by choosing to be with the person you’re with. Be present, responsible and always do things for the people you love.

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Of Loving and Letting Go

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The last few months have been a tough one for me. In all aspects of my life I’ve been having difficulty. My resilience though doesn’t let me dwell. Instead I find myself pushing to come to solutions. I guess that’s who I am. I wish I could just break down have a melt down even but I don’t allow myself to let that happen. Is this a sign of strength? I’m not sure. I fear the day will come when I will break down and find it so hard to build myself back up again. This is a time I find myself loving and letting go.

I rarely if ever post personal things but being the way I am this seems to be my only outlet. Don’t get me wrong. I have family and friends but I don’t want to burden them. They’re also all going through their own personal shit.

My blogging has drastically lessened. I had a problem with Google calling me out on super old posts so I was therefore banned from Google. A big setback for me because I had built this blog up and was getting a comfortable traction. Now I feel like I’m starting all over again. So despite that I continue. I post when I can. I try to share things that other people will be interested in.

My blog is called Art of Being a Mom and it’s been hard being a mom lately. It won’t seem that way to most of the people I know. They seem to see a perfect family and perfect kids. Let me tell you, it’s far from perfect. I constantly feel like I’m failing my kids even though I know I’m working my ass off for them. I fully realized this when I attended my children’s parent teacher conference. They’re actually doing well in school but there are things that I could be helping them out with. I feel so bad when I’m too busy with work to sit down with my teens and help them with school work. I’m so out of it from working day in and day out trying to provide that I feel very lacking in being a present mom to them. Even with my youngest, I know I could be doing so much more. I feel like I’m being pulled from all sides and I don’t know how long I can hold myself together.

The comfort I find is in the fact that people tell me how good my kids are. Those kind words always mean the most to me. They’re respectful, kind, beautiful. I guess I won’t really ever be able to do every single thing I want or should be doing for them.

My home is a mess. I can barely keep up with laundry yet alone cleaning. I find comfort in reading other moms’ blogs how they too are also so caught up with life their homes are also a mess. Still thankful at least that my teens are doing chores. I pound on them sometimes but really I’m so lucky to have them helping me out when they can. I know it’ll help them when they’re on their own to be responsible. Another comfort that I can look forward to.

My style of parenting has always been to teach my kids independence When I say independence I mean true independence not needing me when they’re on their own. I want them to be able to make their own decisions and choices they can live with. I hope I’m on the right path.

Being a woman is tough. Being a wife and a mother, I feel is all the more challenging. How many balls do you have up in the air? I can’t even count mine. I know I’ve dropped plenty. I’m trying so hard. One ball I’ve dropped is being a wife. I’ve had to let go. I can’t continue being a mother and myself and try being a wife to the man I married. I guess this is the most devastating thing that has happened to me. I’m sure everyone I know will  be shocked. You know how people perceive you without you even really doing anything to have that happen? People think my home life is perfect. My marriage is perfect. It’s not. Far from it. Only a husband and a wife can really know what happens in a marriage. Sometimes I don’t know what to feel. A loss of a seventeen year marriage or a birth of a another chance at making things better for ME.

I’ve chosen to separate from my husband. It’s a decision I’m sticking to because I know this is what needs to happen right now. I fear growing old alone but also look forward to the things I’ll be able to do because I’m free to do so now.

To end, as always, I have to still be thankful. Thankful for my kids, their health, my health, abundant work, family and friends. If you feel like giving up, don’t. There’s so much to live for. No matter how hard it seems. I tell myself this every single day.

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The 5 Love Languages

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5-love-languages-bookDid you know that people loved in different ways and sometimes we misunderstand a person’s depth of love for us because we don’t know the ways that they show  love? I learned about the 5 Love Languages back in college when I was taking psychology. It was a very enlightening experience and from the time that I took the test I was able to understand that my husband and I may show love differently but it is love.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman who came up with this theory through his counseling sessions with couples, love is shown in 5 languages, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

It’s a very interesting theory and for me, a proven thought that we each have our own way of showing love. We may feel that our spouse or partner does not love us because they don’t do certain things but it could be that they are showing you love the way they know how and not the ideal way you want to be loved.

You can discover your love language by taking a simple test. Ideally, for couples both should take the test as there are separate tests for husbands and for wives. In this way, you can learn your spouse’s way of showing love and also show your partner how you show love.

Before I took this test, I wondered why my husband wasn’t as vocal about showing me that he loved me. He would tell me he loved me but I seemed to seek words of affirmation from him which I realized when I took the test. I wanted to be told I was doing a great job on something or that I was correct on a matter. It validated me when he did so.

I had my husband take the test and to my surprise it showed that my husband showed love through Physical Touch which was in fact true. My husband always touches and holds me and I realized that in doing this he was showing me he loved me. To this day, almost 8 years later this is still true. I also learned that he felt he was being loved when I did Acts of Service.

If you need a little insight to your marriage or relationship and maybe a little assurance, try this test. Have your partner take it to better understand how you love each other and how the other would like to be loved.

Take the Test

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