The last few months have been a tough one for me. In all aspects of my life I’ve been having difficulty. My resilience though doesn’t let me dwell. Instead I find myself pushing to come to solutions. I guess that’s who I am. I wish I could just break down have a melt down even but I don’t allow myself to let that happen. Is this a sign of strength? I’m not sure. I fear the day will come when I will break down and find it so hard to build myself back up again. This is a time I find myself loving and letting go.
I rarely if ever post personal things but being the way I am this seems to be my only outlet. Don’t get me wrong. I have family and friends but I don’t want to burden them. They’re also all going through their own personal shit.
My blogging has drastically lessened. I had a problem with Google calling me out on super old posts so I was therefore banned from Google. A big setback for me because I had built this blog up and was getting a comfortable traction. Now I feel like I’m starting all over again. So despite that I continue. I post when I can. I try to share things that other people will be interested in.
My blog is called Art of Being a Mom and it’s been hard being a mom lately. It won’t seem that way to most of the people I know. They seem to see a perfect family and perfect kids. Let me tell you, it’s far from perfect. I constantly feel like I’m failing my kids even though I know I’m working my ass off for them. I fully realized this when I attended my children’s parent teacher conference. They’re actually doing well in school but there are things that I could be helping them out with. I feel so bad when I’m too busy with work to sit down with my teens and help them with school work. I’m so out of it from working day in and day out trying to provide that I feel very lacking in being a present mom to them. Even with my youngest, I know I could be doing so much more. I feel like I’m being pulled from all sides and I don’t know how long I can hold myself together.
The comfort I find is in the fact that people tell me how good my kids are. Those kind words always mean the most to me. They’re respectful, kind, beautiful. I guess I won’t really ever be able to do every single thing I want or should be doing for them.
My home is a mess. I can barely keep up with laundry yet alone cleaning. I find comfort in reading other moms’ blogs how they too are also so caught up with life their homes are also a mess. Still thankful at least that my teens are doing chores. I pound on them sometimes but really I’m so lucky to have them helping me out when they can. I know it’ll help them when they’re on their own to be responsible. Another comfort that I can look forward to.
My style of parenting has always been to teach my kids independence When I say independence I mean true independence not needing me when they’re on their own. I want them to be able to make their own decisions and choices they can live with. I hope I’m on the right path.
Being a woman is tough. Being a wife and a mother, I feel is all the more challenging. How many balls do you have up in the air? I can’t even count mine. I know I’ve dropped plenty. I’m trying so hard. One ball I’ve dropped is being a wife. I’ve had to let go. I can’t continue being a mother and myself and try being a wife to the man I married. I guess this is the most devastating thing that has happened to me. I’m sure everyone I know will be shocked. You know how people perceive you without you even really doing anything to have that happen? People think my home life is perfect. My marriage is perfect. It’s not. Far from it. Only a husband and a wife can really know what happens in a marriage. Sometimes I don’t know what to feel. A loss of a seventeen year marriage or a birth of a another chance at making things better for ME.
I’ve chosen to separate from my husband. It’s a decision I’m sticking to because I know this is what needs to happen right now. I fear growing old alone but also look forward to the things I’ll be able to do because I’m free to do so now.
To end, as always, I have to still be thankful. Thankful for my kids, their health, my health, abundant work, family and friends. If you feel like giving up, don’t. There’s so much to live for. No matter how hard it seems. I tell myself this every single day.