A Valentines First

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This is the first Valentines I spent separated. It was only on this holiday that I realized the gravity of my decision. Not that I’m regretting it or having second thoughts, it was just a realization that I am alone. When I say alone, I mean romantically alone. I know I have my children, family and friends. This is the usual line I get when I even mention that I’m alone or depressed or sad. Well meaning friends but all the same a brush off of some sort.

What should I be complaining about right? I have 3 beautiful kids. I have a great job and I’m able to support my kids financially or I try my best to.

The thing is being lonely is real. You will always look for a partner or a companion. It’s the natural way of thinking.

I try not to dwell on it too much but I think my circumstance is just a tiny bit unique in that I built a wall so high that even I have a hard time tearing it down. I must seem aloof, hard to talk to or just plain uninteresting. The right answer to all of this is that I just need to give myself time. I guess.

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It’s so odd that it was only when I found myself single again that I’m more open to people but have so limited means to actually get to know more people. I know, I know what a conundrum!

So I may be “alone” but I’m hanging in there. Hoping there’s more and giving importance to the only people that matter most to me, my children.

After all this, you can imagine that my Valentines was a bit depressing. Until, that is I received a care package from Robinsons Selections that had some of my favorite chocolates. Second to receiving gifts from my kids, it was the highlight of my day.

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In a perfect world, I’d be one of the many people I saw on my Facebook wall being gifted by their significant other with a bouquet of flowers or stacks of chocolates. Just a couple of years back I was one of those people but not everything that glitters is gold.

As you can see, I’ve shared way too much of myself. Sandwiched in between my product features, events and reviews are posts like this. This is where I can float what ever I want out there and not have to seriously think about who is reading this and what they would think. If I have reached you somehow and you’d love a share, please feel free to comment or message me. <3

#MySelections #RobinsonsSelections 

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On Being a Single Mom and New Possibilities

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Years back I never would have thought I’d be a single mom. Probably, the thought that I had gotten married at such a young age made me think that this was what my life would be. Turns out you can never really tell what will happen.

Is it scary? Yes. Is it tiring? Double yes. Am I hopeless? No. I actually feel like despite being a single parent that there are so many opportunities that await me. My relationship with my kids have never been better. I realize now that all my energy had gone into making sure my husband was placated that I neglected my kids in other ways. I think the most hurtful thing I learned was that my kids thought I loved their father more than them which is nothing but further from the truth.

Today, despite my hectic work schedule (no sleep guys!), I have more time for my kids, have a peaceful heart and a promising adventure that awaits me. I guess the one thing that has caught me off guard is the fact that I am now alone after being married 17 years.

Want to hear a funny story? Years back, we were all in our car coming from somewhere and I had suggested to play music from my phone. After a few tracks the song Secret Lovers by Atlantic Starr came on. We fought about this because my playing and having this song on my phone meant I had a secret lover (which I didn’t). This incident made me stop listening to the song. The fact that I liked it just for the melody and interesting story line didn’t matter anymore. Today, this song is on a loop and I play it whenever I want just because I can. You might be thinking what’s the big deal? I feel free. I can play what I want, stay out until when and where I want and do anything I want. I’ve never felt more free.

So yes, there are downsides to being a single parent but right now I’m enjoying the upsides. Talk to me in a few years. I may change my tune by then. For now, I’ll enjoy my alone time and being me.

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How to be Alone

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I’ve never been alone…until now. I married very young at 19 and had my first child at 20. Straight from my mom I went with my husband. I guess you could say I didn’t have a normal young adult life. I find myself in my late 30’s now and alone. I know it’s of my own choosing but did I really have a choice when I can’t accept what’s happened? Now, I have to learn how to be alone.

I sit here blogging about how I feel at 3am because I don’t have anyone to talk to. I can’t help but feel just how tough it’s been lately. Which is so odd because the few times I out people tell me I look good. Odd isn’t it how I look outside doesn’t reflect what I feel inside. I guess that’s better than the alternative.

So how do you learn how to be alone? It seems like it’s taking it a day at a time. I’ve kept myself busy but I find myself not sleeping too well. Hence, the late night blogging. I feel an immense sadness at the prospect of being alone. I see my teens and realize in just a few years they’ll be having their own lives. Jael has started school and he’s going to need me less and less as time goes by. After a 17 year marriage the prospect of being on my own is both exciting and frightening.

Lately, I’ve been spending time with friends and staying out late which I never did before. There’s a certain freedom to it but how long will this feeling last? Eventually will I look for someone to be with and talk to? Sorry for the downer. Just another share here. I seem strong to the people that know me and I guess maybe it’s because I’m not showing much emotion. I do feel sad though. I just don’t let it take over me that I lose myself and my focus on what matters, my kids. So another night goes by. To those who are committed further that commitment by choosing to be with the person you’re with. Be present, responsible and always do things for the people you love.

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