For the past month I’ve been on a downward spiral of discontentment, disappointment and loneliness. My life right now, at this very minute is all about working to provide for my three kids. 75% of the pie goes to that. Just that. The rest is left for my blogging and my fitness journey. Even then it takes alot of my time and effort to do it. It’s just tiring to be the sole provider. I didn’t ask for this but these are the cards that I’ve been dealt. I don’t wallow. I don’t complain (much) but I feel really down.
I’m feeling extremely down and maybe because everyday that passes I feel more and more lonely. Can you believe it’s been almost 2 years that I haven’t had any intimacy, any physical interaction whatsoever. Why am I not telling friends? Why am I writing it here? Honestly? I’ve verbalized how lonely I am but the instant answer to anyone I’ve told is “Enjoy being single.” “Isn’t it too soon to want anything like that?” So I find myself here writing what I feel and somehow feeling like I’ve released some of my sadness, stress and frustration.
I guess what people don’t understand is that I was lonely way before I ended my marriage. Being married or with someone doesn’t mean you don’t feel lonely. In fact, in my case at least sometimes I felt so extremely lonely I almost couldn’t stand it. I didn’t have a husband that was interested in what I thought, how I felt, what made me – me.
I wallow in romantic movies seeking some kind of comfort in the interaction of others and hoping for the possibility of it being a reality one day. I try and imagine what it would feel like to have someone genuinely interested in my opinion. To wonder what I was thinking. To be affected by what I thought. I know I’m probably romanticizing the notion.
If my kids should read this, please don’t think this is anything to do with you, or that I regret having you. This is just the reality of every human being. We all seek someone to identify with and love. It’s what the greatest books and music is about. Finding that one person you want to be with.
Oh well… I’ll just leave this here. The emotions that go with it hopefully imprinted in these words so that I can have an extra bounce in my step, look forward to what’s to come and be stronger to continue on being a single parent.