The look on Bastian’s face as I said “I love you, Kuya” as he was going out the door was a little bit of shock and being touched. I know, you’re thinking “Why, isn’t that natural?” It’s not from me. I’ve never been a sweet, overly affectionate and vocal person. You won’t hear me say I love you but when you do, you know I mean it. I’m affectionate with my kids up to a certain age and then after that it’s just weird, for me at least.
Friends will tell you I have built a wall up and I have in most aspects. Having been hurt too many times in my life I’ve always been cautious. And yes, that includes my ex-husband and even my kids.
When I get into fights with my daughter (we fight the most) I have to remind myself she’s my child. I tell myself to loosen up and be the first to reconcile or amend whatever we’ve fought about. Usually though, she makes the first move. I think my kids know this about me. Bastian, is the sweetest teenager you’ll ever meet. Now that he’s turning 18, he’s still the sweetest man you’ll meet. He hugs me. He asks for a kiss on the cheek. He says I love you like it’s second nature.
Right now, Jael gets all the hugs and kisses I eagerly give just as I had given my teens when they were that age. Soon though, I’ll start to be distant at least when it comes to physically showing how much I love him. It’s not a natural gesture for me but I do try nowadays to be sweeter.
I remember several years back, my ex asked our 2 kids at the time who loved who more, I loved their daddy more or their daddy loved me more. Unanimously, they said daddy loved me more. Of course, it was because they saw that he was more affectionate and vocal. Yet, what did that really prove? I loved more and was loyal just not in the conventional ways. My teens realized that later on. Looks can be deceiving. It’s the small things that a person does that shows you they love you.
For me, it’s working so much that I tire myself out. It’s working so much that Jael was so happy I engaged him in a short conversation during work hours. He said to me “I like talking with you mom. Usually, I can’t. When I wake up you’re going to nap, then you have to work, then you workout, then work again and then I have to sleep. I really liked that you talked to me.” I felt really bad… He understands that I work for them but at the same time he feels what he feels and I can’t blame him.
Boy, being a single mom is tough and maybe that’s why I wear it like a badge of honor. I’m not shy to say I’m a single mom and I openly express that I do it alone when asked. I’m that strong a woman and person. My ex would say I’m arrogant but I believe I’m rightfully so.
Would I go back and change things? I definitely would have made adjustments so that I could have provided better. I’d never trade my kids though (I know sometimes they don’t believe me but they’ll understand when they have their own kids) for a single life or a wealthier one. I’m perfectly happy providing for them and they being my purpose in life.
It’s such a struggle to be a mom because guess what you’re human, too. You’re allowed to feel anger, sadness, resentment, weakness. What’s important is that you rise above the negativity and continue to do the things that you live for.